I have decided to not renew my contract and go home. I may look well, happy and adjusted but deep down, I am anxious of what my life be after this. I believe my reasons— to build a family and to leave the crappy teleserye-like hospital I worked for— were acceptable, but I did not come out of it prepared. Though I was never prepared in life, I was always on top of it, well not really, but I was doing good enough, I guess. But with all honesty, I have not well thought of what would I be after this. I am a wife to my husband, yes, that’s some kind of a role I would gladly take and hopefully, a mother to a healthy baby, yes too! But why do I feel like I’m losing so much from this? I feel like I needed to stay in my game while I still can or I will lose so many opportunities career wise. I hate to be in this situation. If only, I can be everything I wish to be without compromising my career.
So our hospital was able to pass the audit and the higher ups celebrated it. I am now convinced that even such grand organization can be bought. Money is everything in this mundane world. I knew how this will end up. Congratulations, Royal. You cheated your way up! Now, you have another reason to abuse your Staff Nurses!
I know I am not a qualified auditor to gauge the performance of our hospital but being in practice for almost a decade and getting employed in different hospitals, I’m sure this hospital is a big failure. Yes, this is a facade waiting to be revealed soon.
If anything, the only saving grace this institution has is the Nurses.
I don’t know but sometimes, I feel like I am the villain of my own story. I have a tendency to make people feel uncomfortable with my presence. I know, I throw them off. Is it always wrong to voice out my unpopular opinion? It’s funny to see them shaken. I am not nice. And I like to attack their viewpoint, once in a while. I will never allow such normalcy take place, I am the change, and I will make them feel that.
The title does not necessarily fit the premise of my entry. I think I will keep this blog for some time. I’ve owned several blogs but most of them I took down for some idiotic reason. Some, I kept private. I figure I would make this one public just for the liberty of writing and throwing shade at the world, anonymously. No one will read this anyway. I have always loved writing since I learned to write, not necessarily mean I’m good at it, but I love expressing myself through words- spoken and especially, written. I know this has become a stale way of getting the message across, especially in this day and age, but I still prefer the sincerity of writing over Vlogs, photography, dubs etc.
Again, I am writing just for the heck of it. I am just counting down the hours to finish my work which will end in about 3 hours or so. I know I’m supposed to share a piece of myself in every entry. So what’s new aside from me getting old everyday?
It’s been months since we last talked (if that was considered a ‘talk’). There was a number of exchanged messages, to which we didn’t really say much. We used to have really lively conversations, ones that I really miss every day. Our ending was bitter. You deleted your account after that ‘talk’ and eventually disappeared in my life. I thought you’d come back, as you always did. I guess, the talk quite made an impression and you left and sent me to tears, again. I asked for it. I’d never make you wholly responsible of that cause we both know what were the stakes of getting into this kind of stuff.. I guess, our difference is that I kind of took it seriously. I did. So it was probably my fault, by default. We were in a situation that both favored us the same way. It actually favored you more than me but I didn’t mind it. It just felt good until you had to leave. It broke me apart. I was left in despair and again, I was alone. Well, technically, I was not. But seeing you with your family, being happy without me, made me feel lonely. I havent seen you in such elation for a while. I wish I can give you that but I had nothing to offer you but trouble. We both were a threat to a sane and happy life.
The day I asked that we stopped talking was one of the many ‘confusing’ days I had. I didn’t want to cut off my communication with you, because however this was torturing me, it was the only way possible I can speak to you. But I had to.
In about 4 months, it will be a whole year without us talking. That’s quite a long time. You might probably have forgotten about me by then. But if you ever stumble upon this site, I just want to let you know, not that you’re asking, that I still exist and that I am thriving just alright. I got married, too. I think I told you about that even before we stopped talking. That was the very reason I was ending this because of my plans of settling down. I’m okay with everything now. I am not happy but I am not sad too.
I don’t really know how to end this, but since this is a letter of good bye then I’m going to say my fare well. Thank you. I wish you the life you deserve with your family. Live well, Ynack.