So, I’m back to my home country! It’s been almost a month now. Life has been great! I thought I’d dread the day that I’d stop working but I am actually loving my life as a wife, and hopefully a mother — soon. 🙂
The main reason I stay here is for my family. My husband and I think it’s time to actually make one. Yes. My aim here is to get prego before I reach pregnancy in elderly. I am still 6 years away but there are circumstances that may hinder the chance of pregnancy right? So I wanted to try as early as possible. I never had a gyne consult when I was single. I always thought my reproductive health is normal. I am always on a regular menstrual cycle and never miss a period since I started at 12 years old. The only problem I think I might have, is the pain during menstruation or dysmenorrhea– my mother told me not to worry because it will disappear once I gave birth (This is not a fact)– I never had it checked.
Yesterday I went to my very first OB/Gyne check up. I was suspecting that I might be pregnant. I was already 12 days delayed and I had been getting symptoms like: tender breasts, increased white vaginal discharge, abdominal bloating, acne breakouts and fatigue. But I did urine test on my 6th and 11th day both came negative. I was hoping the Dr would order for a beta HCG or blood PT but she didnt. Instead, she did IE and asked for a trans vaginal ultrasound the next day. The ultrasound result showed that I have intramural myoma, my endometrium is thickened and no mention of gestational sac (meaning I am not pregnant). My doctor has explained to me very well that I have nothing to worry about myoma since my type of myoma is not a cause of concern, it’s benign and mine is a small one. She mentioned my thickened endometrium, though. Thickened endometrium means that the lining of my uterus is thicker than normal for a non- pregnant woman because the blood has not been shed off yet. In a usual cycle for non-pregnant women, the blood will shed off during that time of the month (menstruation) causing the lining of the uterus to thin out. As for pregnant women, the uterine lining is thickened in preparation for pregnancy. So she gave my prescription for me to menstruate and instructed me to come back after menstruation to check the lining. If still thick, I will undergo fractional dilatation and curettage procedure. We’ll see about that. I actually got my period later that day without even taking the medications. I don’t know why my cycle acted up and delayed for some days, its never happened to me before. So anyway, I’ll see after a week if my lining is back to normal. Well, sad that I’m not pregnant but I’m glad I had it checked.
I have decided to not renew my contract and go home. I may look well, happy and adjusted but deep down, I am anxious of what my life be after this. I believe my reasons— to build a family and to leave the crappy teleserye-like hospital I worked for— were acceptable, but I did not come out of it prepared. Though I was never prepared in life, I was always on top of it, well not really, but I was doing good enough, I guess. But with all honesty, I have not well thought of what would I be after this. I am a wife to my husband, yes, that’s some kind of a role I would gladly take and hopefully, a mother to a healthy baby, yes too! But why do I feel like I’m losing so much from this? I feel like I needed to stay in my game while I still can or I will lose so many opportunities career wise. I hate to be in this situation. If only, I can be everything I wish to be without compromising my career.
So our hospital was able to pass the audit and the higher ups celebrated it. I am now convinced that even such grand organization can be bought. Money is everything in this mundane world. I knew how this will end up. Congratulations, Royal. You cheated your way up! Now, you have another reason to abuse your Staff Nurses!
I know I am not a qualified auditor to gauge the performance of our hospital but being in practice for almost a decade and getting employed in different hospitals, I’m sure this hospital is a big failure. Yes, this is a facade waiting to be revealed soon.
If anything, the only saving grace this institution has is the Nurses.
I don’t know but sometimes, I feel like I am the villain of my own story. I have a tendency to make people feel uncomfortable with my presence. I know, I throw them off. Is it always wrong to voice out my unpopular opinion? It’s funny to see them shaken. I am not nice. And I like to attack their viewpoint, once in a while. I will never allow such normalcy take place, I am the change, and I will make them feel that.
The title does not necessarily fit the premise of my entry. I think I will keep this blog for some time. I’ve owned several blogs but most of them I took down for some idiotic reason. Some, I kept private. I figure I would make this one public just for the liberty of writing and throwing shade at the world, anonymously. No one will read this anyway. I have always loved writing since I learned to write, not necessarily mean I’m good at it, but I love expressing myself through words- spoken and especially, written. I know this has become a stale way of getting the message across, especially in this day and age, but I still prefer the sincerity of writing over Vlogs, photography, dubs etc.
Again, I am writing just for the heck of it. I am just counting down the hours to finish my work which will end in about 3 hours or so. I know I’m supposed to share a piece of myself in every entry. So what’s new aside from me getting old everyday?
It’s been months since we last talked (if that was considered a ‘talk’). There was a number of exchanged messages, to which we didn’t really say much. We used to have really lively conversations, ones that I really miss every day. Our ending was bitter. You deleted your account after that ‘talk’ and eventually disappeared in my life. I thought you’d come back, as you always did. I guess, the talk quite made an impression and you left and sent me to tears, again. I asked for it. I’d never make you wholly responsible of that cause we both know what were the stakes of getting into this kind of stuff.. I guess, our difference is that I kind of took it seriously. I did. So it was probably my fault, by default. We were in a situation that both favored us the same way. It actually favored you more than me but I didn’t mind it. It just felt good until you had to leave. It broke me apart. I was left in despair and again, I was alone. Well, technically, I was not. But seeing you with your family, being happy without me, made me feel lonely. I havent seen you in such elation for a while. I wish I can give you that but I had nothing to offer you but trouble. We both were a threat to a sane and happy life.
The day I asked that we stopped talking was one of the many ‘confusing’ days I had. I didn’t want to cut off my communication with you, because however this was torturing me, it was the only way possible I can speak to you. But I had to.
In about 4 months, it will be a whole year without us talking. That’s quite a long time. You might probably have forgotten about me by then. But if you ever stumble upon this site, I just want to let you know, not that you’re asking, that I still exist and that I am thriving just alright. I got married, too. I think I told you about that even before we stopped talking. That was the very reason I was ending this because of my plans of settling down. I’m okay with everything now. I am not happy but I am not sad too.
I don’t really know how to end this, but since this is a letter of good bye then I’m going to say my fare well. Thank you. I wish you the life you deserve with your family. Live well, Ynack.